Harassment by another student

Question

I have studied jujitsu for almost 5 years. Last year, my daughter and I started Taekwondo also. From the minute I walked through the doors, a 40ish year old man has been harassing me. Everything from comments on my flexibility to my age, trying to talk down to me.

Tonight, I had to spar with him; he is twice my size (I am a five foot tall woman). He came at me full force right from the start. He made me so mad I threw him. In all of my training, I have never met anyone nastier. Any suggestions on how to deal with this guy before he gets me to a point of no return?

Answer 1

I'm sure with your jujitsu you've seen enough of how a dojo should be to judge when someone's acting improperly, though from the little you've detailed it's not clear whether he's potentially just socially inept (trying to offer encouragement or some sense of empathy with the difficulties of stretching as an adult), and junior enough in the martial arts to be over-excited and carelessly forceful in sparring, or he might really be the nasty crude brute you believe.

In the end, I'd say find out for sure by telling him how you feel and getting his perspective, then watching his future behaviour. If that proves he's the condescending creep he appears to be, discuss it with the instructor. If the instructor doesn't do something you're happy with, find a better place to train.

Answer 2

Your instructor should have noticed this and be taking steps to mitigate his aggression and lack of respect.

Respect is a cornerstone of the martial arts. Not everyone has it and not everyone learns it, so you will invariably encounter people of this nature. It is especially prevalent in lower grades - usually respect is learned (and gained) the longer someone trains.

You need to talk to your instructor as soon as possible about it and they then should take steps to make sure the two of you don't train together. The instructor should have a range of options from talking to the student to suspension. I've seen belts confiscated and people permanently excluded from dojos due to lack of respect and other infractions - not that it should come to that for your situation.

Answer 3

Concur with the other answers; it is worth repeating that I don't think this situation is acceptable.

I also want to agree that your instructor has failed you already - the instructor should have identified and dealt with this behavior before this.

From what I've read, this kind of bullying is not uncommon. Deplorable, but not uncommon. There are plenty of schools that are undermined by the ego of bad students. Fortunately there are also lots of good schools where students practice respect. (If you've been doing Jujutsu for 5 years, you already know this.) You asked for my suggestion; I'd suggest finding a new school and letting this instructor know why you are leaving.

Answer 4

I agree with everything that's been said so far. However, I'd also like to give my own two cents on this issue as a female taekwondo practitioner who has (unfortunately) been in similar situations.

Safety above all.

Firstly, make sure you trust the instructor before you proceed with any of the following steps. I'm not sure what kind of school you're attending, but the fact that behaviour like this can go unnoticed raises some red flags with me. A Taekwondo school should, above all, emphasise respect. If your instructor believes otherwise, I strongly suggest you leave. It might not be a safe place for you and your daughter to train.

If you believe the instructor is trustworthy enough, you can either speak directly with them, or warn the guy that you'll see the instructor if he continues to harass you. Do what you feel is most comfortable, as long as you are taking action, since staying silent will just feed his ego more.

Should the worst happen and your instructor can't stop him, leave the class. There are plenty of dojangs out there that value respect and will provide a safe environment for you to train in.

Answer 5

First and foremost: abuse should not be tolerated, thus you should talk immediately to your instructor. If they do not take steps about it, you should go to your/their organisation representative (whomever is higher up) and mention it to them. In any case, you and your daughter should stop training there until this is resolved.

If the abuse continues outside the dojo, you should speak to a lawyer as soon as possible.

Hopefully, it was just a misunderstanding and after a heart felt apology all will be well. If not, find a different place to train.

Answer 6

One of the 1st things I learnt in MA (Martial Arts) is respect; respect for fellow practitioners, respect for other arts, respect for your teacher.

This person is certainly not showing you respect.

There are 2 ways to sort this out, the MA way, and the 'other' way.

The MA way is to get/win his respect. This depends on your actual skills and capability. You do JuJitsu, he does TKD. I could safely say that most striking arts do not know how to deal with a grappling art like JJ/Judo where throws and locks are used, unless they have trained for it. If you have the skill (obviously you have, as you have thrown him), evade the strikes , step in and deliver a throw that causes a hard landing. For someone not trained in breaking a fall, this will take the wind out of him (or worse), then quickly follow with a lock to submit him. At that point ask for an apology, or continue to apply pressure and show that you're in control.

You should be able to win his respect or that of the rest of the dojo. What happens next depends that person and the instructor. If the person is a true MA, he would show respect and stop the harassment. The instructor should also have a word with him to this effect.

If this doesn't happen, then as others has said, leave this dojo/class. It's obvious that the instructor is not a Martial Artist,.. and they are discrediting the art of TKD.

The non-Martial way, and the more common sense way, is to leave the class for the same reasons above.